My heart will be satisfied

A strange thought occurred to me on my drive home from lunch today with David. I so often feel very young and inexperienced, or maybe that I'm still in practice mode for life, and not a real adult. The feeling that my voice isn't worth hearing or I don't have much to say in the bigger conversations of life can creep up on me.

But this just isn't true, and that was a weird thing to sit and think on for a few minutes. When did this happen?

I've left my twenties behind, full of beautiful memories and am at the front end of my thirties with much anticipation of all the adventures I will have there. I'm a wife, with someone's heart and intimate person in my care. I'm a mother, responsible for helping raise a tiny human into a kind, loving, strong, and powerful woman. I lead worship with my husband in front of hundreds of people every week. I stand in front of college students, children, my peers, and my elders in a physical sense and metaphorically through social media daily.

This could all become too heavy if I were to dwell on it. It's not in my personality to dwell like this but I know for so many it is.

Under all this weight, under all these roles, I could so easily get lost. I think many women do. I have my moments of struggle. Who have I become? Would 17 year old Miranda recognize 30 year old Miranda? Have I become a slave to my titles?

David's wife.
Marley's mom.
Pastor's wife.
Stay at home mom.

I cherish every one of these titles, but I also understand the depth of getting lost in their simplicity. Since deciding to stay home with Marley and quitting my office job I've thought on this a lot. Am I just another mom who stays home all day with her kid, and will never really have much to give society anymore? Have I lost my edge? Can I remain relevant?

I honestly didn't even realize this had all started to weigh on me very slowly.

Then I bought an album on iTunes by one of my favorite songwriters and his wife, who I'd never heard before. John Mark & Sarah McMillan. JMM writes amazingly poetic songs with rich meaning and depth. I love them! Then I heard the songs Sarah wrote and they reached in a spoke to a part of my heart I didn't know was in need. THEN I read where her heart was when writing and it hit home so hard.

"After the birth of my first son, life changed dramatically. It was a confusing time because I was overwhelmed with joy by the arrival of my beautiful boy, but at the same time grappled with depression over my unanticipated loss of freedom. The adventure and spontaneity that previously defined my life had all but completely vanished in the light of my new responsibilities and physical issues brought on by the pregnancy. My house had become my entire world and this song was a literal prayer to find Jesus here - even in the mundane of my everyday routine. Surely He could be here too."

Her words are simple and true. They speak of some basic truths of our Lord and how that plays into even my simple life of being home.

I have been reminded that I have identity. Yes I am a wife, mother, daughter, and singer. My identity is not found solely in these things though. My identity is found fully in Christ.

"Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God."  John 1:12

Since I am a child of God and can find my identity in Him, I need to know Him. I need Him to blow through me, turn my life upside down, and pursue me. And He will.

Women, we are more than our titles, wether self-imposed or tacked on by this world. We are more than our roles in this world and there is more for us than this life. We have big power and a mighty God blowing through us. Allow Him to blow through you and your life. When you're at work, when you're comforting that teething baby, when you're a strong shoulder for a loved one to lean on. Let His brightness shine on you and then out of you.

You overcome my days with the brightness of Your face

My heart will be satisfied

I will hope in the Lord!

Knit list

Being the unorganized but ambitious crafter that I am, I tend to have more projects in the works than I do completed ones. In some aspects it's nice. I always have something I could be working on. But at the same time there's also always something new I could be starting! It's a problem.

That being said, I just did a mental check and my knit list is slightly daunting when held up to my availability of free time. Granted, none of these knits are vital for life, but once I think up the need to knit something, it must be knit!

Maybe if I type up the list it will get done?

Doesn't hurt to try!

• Finish Marley's baby blanket I started a year ago. (To be fair, the knitting is done. I just need to weave in all the ends...blegh.)
• Finish knit lovey for Marley. Started it on the drive home from Florida back in April. It really just needs a head.
• Finish Christmas gift #1. This is currently ahead of schedule and I'm so proud.
• Knit cute poncho/capelet/sweater thing for Marley in beautiful purple yarn bought last week.
• Knit birthday hat for David in yarn bought in February...oops.
• Knit Matryoshka doll #2 using pattern notes. Then write out and publish said pattern. Make all the money.
• Find, edit, and publish headband patterns I wrote four years ago. Make more of all the money.
• Knit presents for special baby and ship around the world, just in time for his summer.
• Finish first blanket I started before I ever got married. (This one is in storage, so it may be a while.)
• Figure out all other Christmas gifts, buy yarn, start knitting and hope I finish before New Years.
• Get around to knitting pants for friend who insists these are a necessity. (Or just keep this joke running for all eternity.)
• Knit all the gnomes and send them with every student missionary all over the world.

Okay, I know I have more projects but this list is already out of hand and nap time could end any minute.

for you

Sometimes Facebook makes me sad and just plain blegh towards humanity. Sometimes it shows me friends (close and acquaintances) that are hurting. Sometimes it reminds me of someone I haven't seen or thought of in years.

In all these instances it has spurred me on to pray, lately.

For the lost and hurting.
For the persecuted.
For the confused.
For the ones full of anger.
For the struggling marriages and new widows.
For the lonely.
For the scared.

It has also encouraged me to try to have as positive a presence I can on social media. I'm not a confrontational person by nature and starting drama or divisions on the Internet is my last idea of a good time. But it can be so easy to get a little snarky or overly sarcastic in a medium where tone is lost.

So, I mostly post pictures of my silly baby and goofy poodle. I also interact with and call out my husband in a fun way. He enjoys it, I promise.

All that to say: if life has been rough on you lately and you've expressed that via social media, I noticed. I noticed and I care. I've mourned with you for whatever you've lost and I've prayed for you. I have hope for you and I hope you can feel that in some way.

I hope my random life and presence can make you smile a little and know that the Savior who brings me so much joy loves you.

What's a blog again?

I logged in to see how long it's been since I last wrote, and dang...almost a year. Then I thought about waiting 18 days to write this to make it a perfect year break. But I know myself. I'd forget. Write it today and schedule it to post later? I'd get too anxious. Hey, at least I know myself, ha.

Hmmm, what's been going on this past year? Nothing too exciting really. I'll just list it all out since life has been pretty slow and is basically the same as last year.

• August 2014: David and I moved in with my parents when our apartment lease was up to help save all the money for a house. We have roughly 216 sq. ft. to ourselves.
• October 2014: I had a baby. A daughter. Marley Diane. She showed up on the 15th and basically nothing changed, I don't know why everyone says life is never the same...weirdos.
• December 2014: Went back to work after 6 weeks and basically hated it. Loved my job, hated being there. It was weird, confusing, frustrating, and a total downer for me.
• Christmas break. Woo!
• January 2015: Went back to work and gave my notice. Lots of mixed emotions.
• February 2015: Began life as a stay at home mom, while living with my mom...who also stays home because she's retired. Lots of momming around this place.
• April 2015: Road-tripped to Florida to introduce the Bordens to our spawn and go to DisneyWorld with just David. So much fun. So much.
• June 2015: David's company did a major downsizing and he was one of the lucky ones to get the boot. We're actually pretty excited to figure out what we're gonna do next.

Like I said, no big life changes. ;)

I was thinking earlier that now would be the perfect time to really kick this blog off into a cool new direction. Some potential candidates for new themes?

• Small Space Living: the adventures of Chuy & Marley
• Hipster Parenting: how to mom in Austin. TX and retain hipster cred
• Woes of a Worship leader's Wife (what does that even mean?)
• Just Keep Knitting: crafting with tiny fingers all up in my business

Those are just a few thoughts. Then I remembered I'm Miranda and I am terrible at this whole intentional blogging thing and don't actually know enough about being a hipster or lamenting about the ever present woes of being married to the clergy. What I am good at is sporadic, snarky posts full of Instagram pictures and maybe a few deep thoughts about the life I lead.

For now, enjoy a picture of my ridiculous family that I absolutely love doing life with. (Doing life with? Ugh. How 2010.)