My heart will be satisfied

A strange thought occurred to me on my drive home from lunch today with David. I so often feel very young and inexperienced, or maybe that I'm still in practice mode for life, and not a real adult. The feeling that my voice isn't worth hearing or I don't have much to say in the bigger conversations of life can creep up on me.

But this just isn't true, and that was a weird thing to sit and think on for a few minutes. When did this happen?

I've left my twenties behind, full of beautiful memories and am at the front end of my thirties with much anticipation of all the adventures I will have there. I'm a wife, with someone's heart and intimate person in my care. I'm a mother, responsible for helping raise a tiny human into a kind, loving, strong, and powerful woman. I lead worship with my husband in front of hundreds of people every week. I stand in front of college students, children, my peers, and my elders in a physical sense and metaphorically through social media daily.

This could all become too heavy if I were to dwell on it. It's not in my personality to dwell like this but I know for so many it is.

Under all this weight, under all these roles, I could so easily get lost. I think many women do. I have my moments of struggle. Who have I become? Would 17 year old Miranda recognize 30 year old Miranda? Have I become a slave to my titles?

David's wife.
Marley's mom.
Pastor's wife.
Stay at home mom.

I cherish every one of these titles, but I also understand the depth of getting lost in their simplicity. Since deciding to stay home with Marley and quitting my office job I've thought on this a lot. Am I just another mom who stays home all day with her kid, and will never really have much to give society anymore? Have I lost my edge? Can I remain relevant?

I honestly didn't even realize this had all started to weigh on me very slowly.

Then I bought an album on iTunes by one of my favorite songwriters and his wife, who I'd never heard before. John Mark & Sarah McMillan. JMM writes amazingly poetic songs with rich meaning and depth. I love them! Then I heard the songs Sarah wrote and they reached in a spoke to a part of my heart I didn't know was in need. THEN I read where her heart was when writing and it hit home so hard.

"After the birth of my first son, life changed dramatically. It was a confusing time because I was overwhelmed with joy by the arrival of my beautiful boy, but at the same time grappled with depression over my unanticipated loss of freedom. The adventure and spontaneity that previously defined my life had all but completely vanished in the light of my new responsibilities and physical issues brought on by the pregnancy. My house had become my entire world and this song was a literal prayer to find Jesus here - even in the mundane of my everyday routine. Surely He could be here too."

Her words are simple and true. They speak of some basic truths of our Lord and how that plays into even my simple life of being home.

I have been reminded that I have identity. Yes I am a wife, mother, daughter, and singer. My identity is not found solely in these things though. My identity is found fully in Christ.

"Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God."  John 1:12

Since I am a child of God and can find my identity in Him, I need to know Him. I need Him to blow through me, turn my life upside down, and pursue me. And He will.

Women, we are more than our titles, wether self-imposed or tacked on by this world. We are more than our roles in this world and there is more for us than this life. We have big power and a mighty God blowing through us. Allow Him to blow through you and your life. When you're at work, when you're comforting that teething baby, when you're a strong shoulder for a loved one to lean on. Let His brightness shine on you and then out of you.

You overcome my days with the brightness of Your face

My heart will be satisfied

I will hope in the Lord!